Author: Marc Rosenberg
Date: November 2024
We all have relationships. Some are good. Some we wish were better. Some are just bad, but still relationships nonetheless. We have relationships with our parents, our significant others, our children, friends, neighbors, and coworkers. It is not just humans that we have relationships with, we have relationships with food, as well as spiritual and religious relationships. I know I have a very unhealthy relationship with sports (I am a Cleveland sports fan). My relationships can impact my mood for an hour, a day, a week, or sometimes even longer.
It seems around this time of year we are thinking about or evaluating relationships, partly because we are attending more social gatherings than normal. As an example, this year I head back to Cleveland for Thanksgiving. I will see old friends from high school and college who I am still friends with today and wish we were able to spend more time together. I will ask about old high school friends I have lost touch with. I’ll probably even see someone I am glad I don’t have a relationship with anymore. I will see my cousins and enjoy watching our kids play together. I will take my family to a Cavs game and romanticize about what it would be like to live here and get to attend more games instead of faking being a Bucks fan because my son has a relationship with Giannis Antetokounmpo. I will do Thanksgiving with my in-laws, trying to force my Thanksgiving ways upon them, while wondering how my brothers are doing at their in-laws’ Thanksgivings.
If you’re like me, you’re taking stock of relationships you want to maintain, new ones you want to strengthen, and even those you want to limit. But have you ever thought about your relationship with money? I know money is not a person, but you have a relationship with it. How did this relationship get formed? Can you remember your first experience with money? Growing up, was money a source of stress, or was your family flush with it? Many habits and lessons we learn about money form at an early age when we’re not consciously thinking about them.
While I am a financial planner, I often say to clients that I am their therapist as it relates to their relationship with money. I will ask people, “What does money mean to you? Do you use it as a tool or does it use you?”. If you are a spender, it doesn’t mean you have a bad relationship with money and if you are a saver it doesn’t mean you have a good one. I am a saver and had an unhealthy relationship with money. I have been working on it over the years. It’s still not perfect and it probably never will be.
I grew up in a middle-class family, we did ok. I didn’t hear “no” very often to requests as a kid, but when I turned 15 I was told the if I wanted a car, I had to work to save up for it and put gas in it. From that point on, I realized money meant choices. If I had it, I could add a CD Player to my car, I could take my girlfriend out to dinner to a place she wanted instead of the place my mom had a coupon for. In my 20’s I began to obsess about money. I wanted to save all of it to buy my first condo. I began saying no to trips with my friends. I wouldn’t let my girlfriend (now wife) order a 2nd glass of wine at dinner. I even walked to work to save money, even when it was 90 degrees or -4 in the snow…and I had holes in my shoes….all to save money. I would log into my accounts to make sure the money was still there. I would tell myself that when I reached a certain amount, I would then have enough…but I would always just set the bar higher.
Today, my financial plan is my therapy. You will never take the saver out of me. However, having a plan gives me comfort. A plan lets me know I’m on track to reach goals for my children’s education and a healthy retirement. A plan allows me to spend money guilt-free, and not save it all. Money is a tool, and I allowed it to use me, but I am working hard on my relationship with money to use it. I use it for vacations with my family, which create memory dividends. I use it to buy time, so I can spend that time doing things I enjoy. I use it to help others who may not be as fortunate as I am.
What is your relationship with money like these days? How was it formed? What caused it to be this way? Is it a positive or negative one? You must work on your relationships and not neglect them. How could improving your relationship with money improve your relationships with others? Do you have a plan to have a better relationship next year? Let’s strive to control our relationship with money, and not allow money to control us.